Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
tequila makes me forget i have legs
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
