So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
