Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
