I should be sponsored by Trojan
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
