hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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