she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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