I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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