You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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