the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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