At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
