Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Sorry my hands just texted you
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
