Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
