I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
