So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
