and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
