1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
