Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Even my vagina gasped.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
