Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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