Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This is my gift to your gina
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
