It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
