i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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