I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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