are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
