There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
