somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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