if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
