apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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