I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
