This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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