I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
