I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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