Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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