so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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