Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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