Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
