It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
