I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
