so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
