Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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