you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
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My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
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He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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