I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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