i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
