shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
