Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
