Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
