I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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