I'm so fucking centered right now
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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