My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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