New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
