Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
