wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
