either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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