Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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