Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's shark week go big or go home
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
