Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
