im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
