My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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