are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
